When indecision chooses for you

Image courtesy: Wayne Hastings.com
Image courtesy: Wayne Hastings.com

This morning, as I prepared to go to my usually joy filled sewing class, I felt something was amiss. For two days I’d been brooding over a sense of loss that comes with missed opportunities, particularly those that result from years of mysteriously undiagnosed chronic poor health. But I’d been feeling better and looking for the next shinny signal that would herald the start of a new path, career and life. But, sadly, I’d found myself going in circles again about which shinny path to take. What I didn’t realise was that this, like all difficulties may actually be conspiring to create a clearer lens through which to look through. No matter, a few hours of sewing usually cleared the head, but not today. Even my favourite hobby had turned into an agonising challenge.  My usually patient teacher lost her calm as I brought another challenging project to her table. The class was unusually full and I had no other project to go on with. I felt tears well up with little purpose other than to make me feel even worse. I apologised to the class, saying that my brain had been hijacked by some mysterious and capricious force and I hightailed it out of my favourite place.

Image courtesy: mnwallpaper.com
Image courtesy: mnwallpaper.com

I drove through tear stained eyes, feeling the depths of my self pity, knowing that my middle class suburban life did not justify the tears, and yet I felt lost and alone. My desperate texts to the two friends who I rely on for wise counsel were mysteriously ‘Not Delivered’ adding to my isolation.  The all knowing, all seeing, wise mentor and teacher that I desperately sought, was still missing, despite numerous prayers asking for her to magically appear.  I realised, reluctantly, that I had to figure this out alone.  Not easy for someone who has never trusted herself and always relied on other people to make the “right” decision and choose the “perfect” direction.

Image courtesy: danverspublicschool.org
Image courtesy: danverspublicschool.org

Of course we are never alone, and guidance can appear magically via a spontaneous comment from a friend, a song on the radio, or an email as it was for me today.  My brooding was caused by confusion about where to direct my attention. My usual ‘scarcity mind’ told me I had to choose a path accurately, this time, as time always seemed to be running out. I’ve always loved writing but felt inadequate. I’m also a counsellor but again, felt that my toolbox never seemed full enough. Sewing and design light me up, but again, there are always courses that need to be attended. What to do? Well I swung a pendulum.  Yep, to some of you it sounds loopy but for me, it works like a charm. Mine happens to be an amethyst and as I asked about various possibilities, it directed me towards writing and to leave the rest for now. I ignored it (yes I have a trust issue too) and went to sewing instead and well, I’ve already mentioned how well that went. Not!

Image courtesy: flowwithjoy.com
Image courtesy: flowwithjoy.com

When my texts for help failed, I checked my emails, only because I had no idea what else I should be doing, and just like magic, there was my guidance. First there was the eerily accurate astrological reading that was telling me it was time to bury those outdated feelings that made me feel like I was worth even less than I imagined. Then another blog appeared, from a brilliant wordsmith name Jess, with the heading: “Can’t decide which idea to pursue? Here’s how to choose.”  I’m not kidding, that was the title. But it gets even better. I’d not written for months because of my “inadequacy disease” that continually strangled any attempts at producing work. I’d no idea how to move forward, but Jess’ blog offered ideas on how to unblock creativity, and other brilliant tips to help me move from less than, to, just do it!  I felt a mountain shift and not just because I realised I didn’t have to choose between a rock and a hard place, I just had to choose one, and then, if I didn’t like it, I could choose the other. Who would have thought it could be as simple as that? As Jess says, it’s better to have some less than perfect material to work with and learn how to improve it, than to have nothing at all, which so far, was all I was producing. Nothing.

Image courtesy: quotes gram.com
Image courtesy: quotes gram.com

So Mr Inadequacy Disease, you bum, get out of my way, because today’s post is not about end results, is not about being the best, the most pretty or witty tale, it’s all about the art of creating, creating “some thing”, which is better than “no thing”.

(P.S. In case I needed further proof, the first image on this blog of the child and telescope was found on another blog titled, “Having trouble getting creative?”. Not anymore, I say, and thanks Universe for the additional thumbs up! 🙂 )

The Imperfect Experiment

 

Image courtesy: lifepurposematters.com
Image courtesy: lifepurposematters.com
I am careful not to confuse Excellence with Perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; Perfection is God’s business.  Michael J. Fox

Today, I begin my experiment.  It’s about taking a risk, taking a chance, not knowing all the possible permutations but having a go anyway without knowing about the outcome.

As a perfectionist, I need to know everything. But as a reforming perfectionist, I’m learning that I don’t really need to know “every thing”.  And the universe is helping me in my quest. You see even this post has started off as imperfect. I made many attempts at centring the image below, the text size changed and I couldn’t see how to fix it, and you know what, it didn’t matter. Despite my mind protesting, I just gave in and left it imperfect, because I realised that this imperfect post would not caused a major earthquake, or other similar calamity.  Funny thing is, when I gave in to imperfection, the faults magically corrected themselves!

DSC_0476
Our beloved dog Star

As for the Imperfect Experiment, well, since my beloved rescue Greyhound passed away recently, I’ve been in a complete state of sadness and despair.  I couldn’t imagine getting another dog ever, because I felt she was the “perfect” dog.  My family adored her too, and they also miss her but also wanted to honour her by rescuing another Greyhound, which I know is a wonderful thing to do.  Problem is, there are so many dogs that need rescuing, that need homes but as always, I managed to narrow the choice down to 2. I just couldn’t choose the next  “perfect” dog. I flipped a coin, I used a pendulum, I meditated but I got nothing, no guidance, no inkling, just a big fat zero, and now I know why. I’m being guided to just choose.  Either dog will be perfect and imperfect at the same time.

Image courtesy: bandt.com.au

So today, I thought, ok, let’s look at this as an experiment. Let’s just choose one, and go with it.  Let’s see what it feels like to just make a selection and be ok with that.  Even if the dog we’ve chosen turns out to be somewhat imperfect, perhaps it may dig up my garden, or hide all our socks, does it really matter?  No.  There is joy to be found in saving any animal.  There is joy to be found in having a playful dog, even if it does cause mischief.  There will be joy in knowing that I’ve made a decision, that will make a huge difference to at least one animal’s life. In fact, being able to be imperfect means I will help save another dog’s life. Surely that is the only kind of perfection worth striving for.

Our perfectly imperfect new rescued Greyhound, Storm.
Our perfectly imperfect new rescued Greyhound, Storm.

So this morning, I’m off to collect our new family member from her foster mum, and I look forward to seeing what alchemical process will take place as I try on a new idea about what it means to be perfectly imperfect.