This morning, as I prepared to go to my usually joy filled sewing class, I felt something was amiss. For two days I’d been brooding over a sense of loss that comes with missed opportunities, particularly those that result from years of mysteriously undiagnosed chronic poor health. But I’d been feeling better and looking for the next shinny signal that would herald the start of a new path, career and life. But, sadly, I’d found myself going in circles again about which shinny path to take. What I didn’t realise was that this, like all difficulties may actually be conspiring to create a clearer lens through which to look through. No matter, a few hours of sewing usually cleared the head, but not today. Even my favourite hobby had turned into an agonising challenge. My usually patient teacher lost her calm as I brought another challenging project to her table. The class was unusually full and I had no other project to go on with. I felt tears well up with little purpose other than to make me feel even worse. I apologised to the class, saying that my brain had been hijacked by some mysterious and capricious force and I hightailed it out of my favourite place.
I drove through tear stained eyes, feeling the depths of my self pity, knowing that my middle class suburban life did not justify the tears, and yet I felt lost and alone. My desperate texts to the two friends who I rely on for wise counsel were mysteriously ‘Not Delivered’ adding to my isolation. The all knowing, all seeing, wise mentor and teacher that I desperately sought, was still missing, despite numerous prayers asking for her to magically appear. I realised, reluctantly, that I had to figure this out alone. Not easy for someone who has never trusted herself and always relied on other people to make the “right” decision and choose the “perfect” direction.
Of course we are never alone, and guidance can appear magically via a spontaneous comment from a friend, a song on the radio, or an email as it was for me today. My brooding was caused by confusion about where to direct my attention. My usual ‘scarcity mind’ told me I had to choose a path accurately, this time, as time always seemed to be running out. I’ve always loved writing but felt inadequate. I’m also a counsellor but again, felt that my toolbox never seemed full enough. Sewing and design light me up, but again, there are always courses that need to be attended. What to do? Well I swung a pendulum. Yep, to some of you it sounds loopy but for me, it works like a charm. Mine happens to be an amethyst and as I asked about various possibilities, it directed me towards writing and to leave the rest for now. I ignored it (yes I have a trust issue too) and went to sewing instead and well, I’ve already mentioned how well that went. Not!
When my texts for help failed, I checked my emails, only because I had no idea what else I should be doing, and just like magic, there was my guidance. First there was the eerily accurate astrological reading that was telling me it was time to bury those outdated feelings that made me feel like I was worth even less than I imagined. Then another blog appeared, from a brilliant wordsmith name Jess, with the heading: “Can’t decide which idea to pursue? Here’s how to choose.” I’m not kidding, that was the title. But it gets even better. I’d not written for months because of my “inadequacy disease” that continually strangled any attempts at producing work. I’d no idea how to move forward, but Jess’ blog offered ideas on how to unblock creativity, and other brilliant tips to help me move from less than, to, just do it! I felt a mountain shift and not just because I realised I didn’t have to choose between a rock and a hard place, I just had to choose one, and then, if I didn’t like it, I could choose the other. Who would have thought it could be as simple as that? As Jess says, it’s better to have some less than perfect material to work with and learn how to improve it, than to have nothing at all, which so far, was all I was producing. Nothing.
So Mr Inadequacy Disease, you bum, get out of my way, because today’s post is not about end results, is not about being the best, the most pretty or witty tale, it’s all about the art of creating, creating “some thing”, which is better than “no thing”.
(P.S. In case I needed further proof, the first image on this blog of the child and telescope was found on another blog titled, “Having trouble getting creative?”. Not anymore, I say, and thanks Universe for the additional thumbs up! 🙂 )